I miss my commute friend. We’d spend 30 minutes some mornings just chit-chatting, getting to know each other. We both sat in the same 2 adjacent seats each day, and there is a certain intimacy that develops when you see the same stranger do the same things that you do everyday for a while. You say good morning, you get to talking. 

One morning she was pouring over a map of the French countryside, coupled with this group tour itinerary-calendar, and just counting down the days til this upcoming 12-day vacation. I could tell she was looking forward to this adventure, a full 6 months away, in a life-saving sort of way, if you know what I mean. On prior commutes, we’d already discussed the pro/cons of independent contracting vs. being a full-time employee, and both of us had — for the moment anyway — come to the same trade-off conclusions: If you are a full-time employee, you’d be foolish not to take full advantage of the perks and benefits like paid vacations, healthcare, healthcare savings accounts, commute benefits, life insurance… All that stuff that young people don’t really worry about. All those things that when you’re an independent contractor, working for yourself; seem so unaffordable! The finer things, always just out of reach. 

As my commuter friend is telling me her latest workplace-woe, it’s a familiar rendition of how a co-worker’s lack of foresight and planning end up becoming her emergency. Again, I can relate. We toggle the conversation back and forth between the latest office drama and the reasons we make the trade-offs. She goes further into detail about this recent situation and as I get up to throw away our banana peels, I can see just talking about it has gotten her into a rant about how this younger, ivy-league-whipper-snapper-fresh-out-of-school-kid is tryna ruin her reputation…

“Does this kid think I am a ‘Diversity Hire’?”

I’ve got 25 years experience! I know what I am talking about and this snot-nosed spoiled entitled brat thinks they can…” She trailed off to keep from cursing and becoming angrier. 

I was highly empathetic,  it’s not only a familiar feeling, but I struggle constantly with being a workaholic. Whether it’s for myself or for The Man, so to speak. The full time employee feeling I struggle with the most is that “they” own you. That you’re supposed to comply with unreasonable requests if you want to keep your job, and keep this ____ fill in the blank __ (boss/new guy/socially/politically important) person happy? I go to therapy over this. I’m THAT white. 

Then it began to dawn on me… Oh, of course. She is probably the only black person at her firm. While I’ve grown up in the most integrated institution our country has, the United States Armed Forces – (my father is a 30 year Marine where there certainly is classism and racism for sure but at least full-on integration,) I cannot claim to ever truly understand what my commute friend had just said. 

I too have a 20+ year career and know what I am talking about, professionally. But I’ve not had to personally tolerate the kinds of systemic injustice I see (and don’t see) doled out to my black brothers and sisters on the daily. Accidentally, intentionally, conscious, unconscious, it’s viscous and deep, and way beyond what I as a very white person can even scratch the surface of understanding in a blog post. I’ve witnessed and been bullied (as well as done my fair share of bullying) in mean-girl work and school cultures, boys’ club mentalities and even jobs that foster denial of your own emotional intelligence and following the cult of personality. I’ve made racist mistakes and comments that I’ve learned from, in my management career. I’m white, and I’m human, and I’m just so so sorry. 

Good news is, white folks are getting the memo. Many of us, anyway. Soon there will be a new mandatory diversity program training (virtual, on-demand!) for all at the office, and I welcome the updated, open conversation. While I won’t be re-starting my commute any time soon, I have talked with my commute friend and vowed to not be spineless in this BLM movement. Even if it comes to the next civil war. (which, seriously, if we don’t Dump Trump, will become a viable option, right?)