I used to own a Bouvier, a dog that is about 120 pounds of powerful fluff. When I first inherited him, he was about 3 years old, and pretty well trained, but not yet neutered. Other dog owners scolded me and told me his enthusiasm for play and full body contact with other dogs of all sizes would become more manageable once I fixed him. I did so immediately. Leo remained playful and enthusiastic, but he continued to accost every dog with a joyous bounce-y greeting that said “Do you want to play? Don’t you want to play?”  

“Don’t you want to play with me right now!?!”

Leo was a giant friendly dog, and that could be intimidating to some.

I’ve been accused of the same thing in the workplace.

As a researcher, being a people person, it’s been a skill set of mine to get folks to talk about anything, sensitive topics included. This is part of my charm offensive. Kind of how like Leo would jump right on it, I am instantaneously your best friend and want to know everything about you.

Maybe it’s genuine, maybe it’s for the research, but it is a skill I’ve developed. It’s one of the things that people tell me makes me good at my job.

When not researching, and on a team that is supposed to do things that teams do, namely Collaborate, this skill has served me well. But, there have been situations where it has defeated the team. Either in whispers, or direct to my face feedback, I’ve heard – Chris is a bully. She is leading this group and she is involved in this project and her opinion seems weightier than mine and since I disagree with her I am going to keep my mouth shut. Well, I take your feedback to heart but I also say – Don’t be little afraid people. Stand up and say your piece! Let’s collaborate little doggie! My bark is way bigger than my bite. I don’t even bite! I’m a big friendly puppy and I like to play rough!

Being a bully in the workplace, even a friendly bully – isn’t acceptable when you’re an in-house researcher. It’s not acceptable anywhere, really. A friendly bully – in my definition –  only sees her own project or puts more emphasis on what she is trying to accomplish. Sometimes I think if I weren’t a friendly bully I wouldn’t have gotten anything done anywhere. As it was with my dog Leo, all anyone has to do is stand up to the friendly bully and explain what the resistance is, redirect the energy. Leo, leave that dog alone, he doesn’t want to play. You’re on his turf, Leo. Back off. 

I know I am oversimplifying, but it’s because my ability to get people to tell me anything – whether it’s their deepest fears about the project, their deeply personal stories about their relationships, or their health experiences with sensitive subjects such as urinary incontinence – is part of what makes me a good researcher. Sometimes I come on strong, and when I read this post to my mom, she debated with me the strength of the word bully – too strong! “That’s not what you are!”  Of course I’m not, Mom.

Ahem – where do you think I got it?