Over a 20 year career, I’ve accumulated a closet full of people who would never want to work with me, ever again. Let’s call it a small coat closet. I imagine this closet in the foyer of a modest middle class Pasadena house. It could probably hold about 3 people. Maybe 4, if they crowed themselves in and got cozy with one another. 

But I’ve also made hundreds of authentic connections, dozens of repeat clients and countless great friends. 

It’s those four women in the closet that keep haunting me, though. If I am honest about the situation(s) I have to admit that I am not proud of some of my past behavior in many instances, but that in each scenario that led to each fall-out – I was learning that I was in over my head and I didn’t ask for help in time. I can only just now, finally, years later, forgive myself. 

In fact, I wonder, if those four women put themselves to the test — would they behave in their default worst way under the same circumstances? I would argue we were all just doing the best we could, and we were largely affected by politics at large. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly played a huge role with bad boss behavior by not making time for the important things, putting emphasis on quantity over quality. Acting out in controlling, passive-aggressive ways when I felt I was under attack from both above and below. But there were also larger organizational dynamics within those company(s) — forces beyond our control, that played out in our relationships and I certainly couldn’t see it at the time. 

But I do now. 

If I am being honest I hope that they finally forgive me too. I am sure I will be just one of many bad bosses they’ll have throughout their careers. 

I’ve definitely learned from my mistakes, and if I am ever building a team again, I would likely hire those same exact same people. (Seriously, I know they wouldn’t even apply if they knew it reported to me, but go with me for the sake of this piece here please). This time I would treat them differently, and I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on the pace and the timing of the research, I would allow the work to speak for itself, the pace can go to hell. The work will always be mounting up. Form, quality, integrity of the work is more critical than the speed of the work, at that level, under that amount of scrutiny. I would trust them to make their own mistakes and recover, the way the best bosses I’ve ever had have done for me.

Specific things I’d do differently:

Take more time to patiently listen during our weekly one-on-ones. I remember I was too worried about making sure they heard the news I was trying to pass on from up above. ED- Listening is key to communication?

Allow them to fail where I’d already tried, instead of discouraging them from even trying. I was an “accidental diminisher”, trying to protect them from the disappointment I was sure they’d face in these cut-throat war-zone environments. ED- I’d add a takeaway one liner for each of these specifics, i.e. – Listening is key, or Remember to compliment…ect…

I’d get to know them more personally instead of being afraid to share my personal life in return. Hell, I’m your boss, I’m supposed to be on a pedestal of some kind. Beyond reproach, right? Wrong. So far from the truth.  (ED – Add takeway here — Bosses should be approachable? )

I’d do a better job of defending my team and their work instead of worrying about if they were producing enough of it, and I’d avoid getting involved in nit-picky email threads and never-ending conversations about hamburger menu iconography or search bar affordances. Or maybe I’d get involved in a thread-ending way: Do more research, respect the researcher. Mic drop.  

It’s hard to say. (Ed – why? the circumstances dictact?)

I continue to worry about running into these 3 people, face to face because I’m not sure of how I’ll act. Who will overcome the awkwardness, because there will be a giant elephant’s worth when it happens. We all know what a small world it is, and in research, UX Research especially, I know our paths, projects, our trajectories will cross again. Coming face-to-face with my fears, admitting my flaws, sharing my guilty conscience? — That is much harder than seeing those ladies at the next UX social mixer. It’s going to happen, undoubtedly. We’ll all make nice and no one will break the ice. Or they’ll flee the room when they see me approaching them, hat in hand. I don’t know, honestly. But I think I am finally ok with how I imagine myself acting, in such an inevitable scenario. We’ll maybe act surprised to see one another, count the time it’s been since we last interacted, and trade “what have you been working on” stories. Then, I will genuinely apologize, again, using verbal words that I speak with my mouth, with my eyes and my heart, to their faces, about the mistakes I made as their managers in those corporate war-zones. This time, hopefully they’ll be able to hear my apology over the other noise in the room. I’m only human.